I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
