I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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