his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
