Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
