Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
