How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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