I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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