What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
