Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
