dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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