Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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