so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
