Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
