i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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