Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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