Too much gin, very little bucket
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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