you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
3 2 1 whiskey
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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