We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
