We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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