is your mom at the bar?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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