im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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