pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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