she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
