hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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