I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
