is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
