I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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