I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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