dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
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The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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