Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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