I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
