i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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