So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
