I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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