My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
