Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
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drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
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But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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