Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.