Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
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picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
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Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning