Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
