i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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