is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
