Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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