Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
