I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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