i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
