dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
