so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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