3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
