Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
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So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
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that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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