The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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