I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
