Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
