It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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