Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
