insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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