If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
