Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
