I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
