I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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