Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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