I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
